I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
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