I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
