my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
