i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
