My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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