I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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