Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
I just found puke in my bra..
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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