I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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