Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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