u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
