Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Randomize
