Little spoons don't ask big questions
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
