Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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