He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
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