Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Randomize
