Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
