i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
