also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
