I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
you will always have a special place in my vag
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
