Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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