After last night, I could never be a politician.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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