In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
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