he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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