I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
