420 ftw
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
