No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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