Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
