he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
