The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
