A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
