Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
