I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
