3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Randomize
