I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
