So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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