walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
