I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Randomize
