You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
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