Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
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