Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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