On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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