last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
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I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
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the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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