This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
