right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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