Banned from zoo.
Again?
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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