You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
