Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
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