The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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