You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
