Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
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