I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
