BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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