mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Randomize
