Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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