I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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