i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
