Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
