we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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