She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I wear drunk well.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
