How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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