I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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